How Long Before I Look Back And Laugh?

I've often thought that when Erron and I were called to serve in the nursery together three weeks after we were married, that it was the Church's way of practicing birth control. One year of teaching 2-3 year -olds for two hours each Sunday and we were cured. The little boy that helped us decided to be a childless couple was Ricky. A crazy little guy whose parents dressed him in jump suits that were too short. Erron is convinced that this was the root of his issues. Why this trip down memory lane? Well, I think Dane may be the Lord's way of impressing on young teenage girls that abstinence is the best policy.

Tonight, Erron and I went out for our anniversary and then to the adult session of stake conference. (AKA - Church Meeting without kids.) Reagan and Kale's piano teacher has a 15 year old daughter, Courtney. She likes to babysit but has a lot of competition from the large group of 12-13 year old girls in the ward. I promised that we could keep her as busy as she wanted to be. Tonight was Courtney's first night with the Sorensen children. Can you feel what is coming?

Erron and I both remembered to turn our cell phones to vibrate during church but I forgot to sit mine on my lap. After two unanswered calls to my phone, Erron's phone buzzed in his pocket. He popped out to the foyer and came back with that look. The, "I am so glad I work out of state at least five days a week because our children, especially our youngest, drive me crazy," look. He leaned over to me and informed me that Courtney is crying and Dane won't go to bed. So the question. Do we leave the meeting early or do we stay for the last speaker and the go? We left early, came home to find Dane sitting at the top of the stairs saying, "I don't like her. She is not my friend." That would disturb me if it hadn't been the same thing he has told everyone, including me, for the last couple of weeks. Yoga Breathing!

First, I hugged Courtney, then I took Dane by the arm and told her to follow us. Dane had to look at Courtney to see her crying. He kept saying she wasn't his friend. I finally told him that I wasn't paying her to be his friend. Courtney was there to take care of him. I got him dressed and washed up all the while trying to comfort Courtney by telling her other horror stories of the babysitters that came before her. Poor girl. It can only get better from here right? Her mother should have to pay me for assuring that she won't been another teen pregnancy:)

So we get the kids to bed and after a long pep talk I take Courtney home. Erron needed his next 64oz Diet Coke on my way home and who did I run into? Courtney's mama coming home from conference. I had to tell her my three year old make her daughter cry. How long do you think it will take for this story to run through the ward? Embarrassing!

On a lighter note. We took the kids to a famous burger place today for lunch. 5 Guys Burger & Fries. We were sitting there eating the best fries I have ever had when the kids started talking about their Sunday School teachers. Kale piped up that his teacher wears really high heels. "Like five cheeseburgers high." That is such a KI thing to say. Erron and I laughed all the way home. Kale's new rating system. He always has the hot teachers.

In case all of my Oregon friends have forgotten what the sunshine looks like I will post some pictures of blue sky tomorrow. It is so hard to be here in the 80* weather.

Three Strikes - You're Outta Here

So, I have been considering some new rules for the Sorensen household. One of which is the three strike rule. Three incidents in 24 hours and the offender gets put up for sale. As of right now, DANE IS FOR SALE!

Strike #1 - Yesterday at church after a typical sacrament meeting with Dane he got kicked out of primary. Charges? Being disruptive and disrobing in opening exercises. No pictures.

Strike #2 - Today, while I was finishing on the elliptical I heard a rustling in the kitchen and decided I needed to check it out. Dane had pulled out the industrial sized Bisquick from Sam's Club and was eating fists full of Bisquick mix. Before you accuse me of starving a child, remember who you are talking to. A Sorensen starving? I think not!

Strike #3 - Dane has an incredibly high pain tolerance so when I heard a piercing cry from upstairs as I started dinner, I knew it wasn't good. I ran up the stairs and saw the bloody foot before I even saw his face. The dirty clothes were piled in the hall waiting their turn so I grabbed a towel, wrapped it around his foot, picked him up and ran downstairs. Reagan got my keys and grabbed the Relief Society directory out of the car and I started dialing anyone I remotely knew on the list. I had no idea where the hospitals were here and you guessed it, Erron was out of town. Nobody from the list was home so I called a couple of neighbors and they weren't home. With Reagan and Kale holding the towel on Dane's foot I quickly googled our Dr. and called hoping for at least a message about where to take emergencies. They are affiliated with Children's hospital in downtown Knoxville so I wrote down the address so I could punch it in the GPS, got the kids in the car with Reagan still holding the towel firmly against the foot. Our past experience with ER's had me thinking we might be in for the long haul so we drove to another neighbors house to see if Kale and Reagan could stay there while I was gone. Sweet Nora took them right in and fed them dinner while I was gone. I decided to go ahead and call Erron to let him know what was going on and he reminded me that there was another hospital closer--only about 7 minutes away. Eastern Baptist is now on my list of go to places in an emergency. We walked right in, there wasn't anyone else waiting and Dane was with a nurse within 10 minutes. Five minutes later the Dr. was there. He said it is almost useless to put stitches in the bottom of a little boys foot because they don't stay still and the stitches would just rip out tomorrow when Dane decided to chase the squirrel again. So the Dr. cleaned it out really good, which was quite a job because the layers of dirt on that little foot included sand from the sandbox and clay from the park, red Popsicle juice and what ever dirt comes with running around bare foot in the back yard. He then put about 5 layers of Durmabond on his foot and said our goal was to keep that on for 4-5 days. Dane was a little tough guy the whole time.

I am so grateful that he is okay. My heart was beating a little faster there for a while and I was trying so hard not to freak out in front of the older two. Erron drove home so that Dane would know that daddy cared. I thought that was sweet.

I Always Wanted Double Ovens

If you are like me, then you thought the oven saga had come to a happy end on Monday when we found out we were to get a new working oven on Tuesday morning. Really, wasn't that a little optimistic? Situations like this are my excuse in life to be a mocking pessimist.

The delivery guys did show up first thing Tuesday morning. They were joking with me as soon as they walked through the door. I was so giddy that it was easy to joke back with them. We joked all the way into the kitchen. I thought they were still joking when they looked at the old stove and asked why it hadn't been taken it out and where was the tech to install the new one. Surely you jest. I even laughed a little because in my mind I thought wouldn't it just be a perfect new chapter to the stove saga to have the delivery all botched up. No, he was serious. The delivery guys DO NOT take out the old stove and they do not install the new one. If we needed a tech to take out the old and install the new we were supposed to request on from them or get our own. This is where I smiled, took a really deep breath (yoga breathing) and with my mouth said, "Let me call our leasing agent and see what he has arranged." I am quite the mulit-tasker and while my mouth was saying that my mind was saying, "Are you &*$%!^ kidding me? (Yes, I am a potty mouth in my head.) How hard is to get the delivery right? This is why I don't rent. This is why I own my own house and just fix the stupid things that go wrong and then the only person that I can get mad at is myself. Is this just the people we are lucky enough to deal with or do I now live in a different country otherwise known as Dumb&*%^ ville?" Right now my dad is calling me a hypocrite because I don't like him to swear around my kids. Dad, just remember you can think whatever you want around them just don't say it out loud:)

Our leasing agent, Phil, was not available to talk to me so his lovely assistant Jody got to listen to me gritting my teeth while explaining the situation. The delivery guys said they would just put the new oven in front of the old oven and take off because they have to stay on schedule. Schedule, right. They probably noticed the knives on the cupboard and fled for their lives. The above picture is of Dane refusing to be photographed on top of our SECOND STUPID STOVE. I kid you not. Not only does the new one block most of the kitchen it blocks the other stupid stove. After the delivery guys left I had to call my buddy the Banjo Queen because she appreciates or at least understands my dark thoughts. It was her idea to take a picture.

Me trying to let go of the madness got a little harder when I remembered that Kale had a choir performance that night at the school and #1 not only do I have to figure out the dinner situation again, but #2 just the thought of taking Dane to a public event fills me with dread and makes me crave chocolate. If we weren't really trying to give the kids every opportunity to assimilate into their new schools I would have called it quits right then. They could have asked me for anything and I would have given it to them. Ice Cream for dinner? Sure, have two, just let lie in my beautiful bed with the covers over my head. Spend the rest of the day watching TV? Absolutely, just don't come and get me unless there is a fire. Instead, we forged on. The Philster sent some guys over to take care of the stove at about 5pm and they were here until we left for the school at 6:20. We met Erron at Kale's school only to find an empty parking lot and locked doors. Perfect don't you think? We waited a bit and then decided to try Reagan's school. Sure enough, Kale's event was at the middle school next to Reagan's school. Don't ask me how I missed the BOLD ALL CAP sentence on the flyer that said at FARRAGUT MIDDLE SCHOOL. If I were an employee of Sorensen Inc. I would have fired myself at this point.

The performance was really cute and very well done. The kids sang and danced a little, did a little jazz hands and even played the kazoo. How can you be sad after that? Erron thought Dane was better behaved than usual but Erron has spent M-F out of town since the third week of January. I won't tell you what my mind was saying because I love my husband and he reads this. Hi sweetie.

Well, now you know.

Heather begged me not to put the asparagus recipe on so instead I will leave you with something I remembered in the shower yesterday. As thought processes go you don't want to know how I go to the part of my head that had me thinking about the time I was 18 and a nanny in NY. I took the three kids 12, 10 and 5 to Florida for a week by myself because the mom got in a fight with the grandma that lived in Boca Raton. We stayed with the grandparents for a couple of days and the grandma introduced me to a yummy snack I had never heard of. On plain white Wonder Bread spread some strawberry freezer jam and then sprinkle on some pine nuts. Fold it in half and eat it. It sounds ridiculous but I swear there is something about that white mooshy bread.

Another Day In The Life

The repairman came to fix the stove today. He took one look at it before he even touched it and said, "'why are they even bothering to repair this thing?" After I explained to him the problems we were having he said that the part needed to fix it was not even made anymore. So he called the leasing agent and then the owner and we are finally getting a new stove tomorrow morning. To celebrate we should go out to dinner:)

Dane and I went to a play group today with the other kids his age in our ward. 5 three year-old boys and 3 girls with 4 younger siblings. I expected chaos but they actually did really well. It was a relief for me to have someone for Dane to play with. He really needed it. He misses Stratton so much and talks about him at least once a day. I have been researching preschools for him in the fall and many of them are already full. We are going to go and interview one on Wednesday. It is more spendy than we are used to but he would go twice a week 8:30-2. I was reluctant to have him gone that long at first but as I started thinking about it I realized it would give me the perfect opportunity to be in Reagan and Kale's classrooms next year and not have to rely on friends to watch him.

Erron and I went to see Sugarland and Little Big Town on Saturday. It was a much smaller venue than the Rose Garden. Almost a large high school gym. There were no bad seats and even the drunk cowboys were entertaining. LBT did a great version of Fleetwood Mac's 'Go Your Own Way'. Sugarland closed with a song that I never thought I would get to see live. 'Pour some Sugar' by Def Leopard. During the Wreckers and Keith Urban Erron got a lot of work done on his blackberry. This time he didn't do any. That might me a good indicator of how much Erron likes what we are doing. Monitoring his blackberry usage.

I had started my quest to find the best way in Knoxville to learn Italian earlier this week and actually found some useful podcasts on iTunes. Then at the Primary activity I met a woman in our ward that is from Sardinia. She has some great kids books that teach words for the basics and has some contacts at the Foreign Language Acadamy here. It got me really excited to get this going. My goal is to learn Italian with the kids and then do an immersion program with them either next year or the next for a month in Italy. After the road trips we have taken a month in a foreign country should be easy right?

My friend Holly sent me a link to a great video lecture given by a professor who is dying of cancer. Inspiring.
http://video.stumbleupon.com/?s=ithct48cqw&i=ufcchmyxqsuj9vwsemax

Heather, tomorrow just for you I have a recipe that has asparagus in it. Even my kids eat it.

Fried Baloney Hole

TIVO is beautiful. I never watch TV when Erron is out of town so when he gets home I admit there is a little Giada here and a little Axmen there. Now that the writers' strike is over and 30 Rock and the Office are back the one liners are flying left and right. Mostly left. My favorite from 30 Rock was Liz Lemon yelling at Kenneth to keep his fried baloney hole shut. Kenneth is an uneducated very sweet guy from the south who always gets in sticky situations. I can't wait to use it. Wait, I think I just did. The people here are too nice though. I can't even give out my blog here because I don't want to hurt their feelings. My innate sarcasm and dark humor don't really fit in. Bad Tam needs another outlet. Maybe I should write a book.

So the stupid ants are back. This time in the boys' bathroom. The kids won't even go in there so we are filing through the master bath. And the stove saga continues. It either quits in the middle of cooking something or has a fit at the end. Beep! Beep! Beep! F1! F1! STUPID STOVE! You know? Guns are very big here. Walmart even has them. I could just use one on the oven. My menu planning is in a tailspin because I can't rely on the stupid thing. Anyone have any recipes that only require stove top or microwave? On second though nix the microwave because that thing is useless.

Speaking of guns. Tripped to Walmart today for supplies to give to the missionaries tomorrow at the primary activity. I took Dane out of the cart at the check out because it was the perfect height for him to reach over and spin the check-out bag holder thing around and around. He pulled a Dane and within 1.2 seconds was nowhere to be seen. Kale, Reagan, and I do a strategic splitting of the aisles and take turns hollering, "Dane". Oh, it was fun. And then I hear it. A little laugh with a video game background. I turn my head and there is my future red neck son with a rifle taller than he is shooting at something on a screen. MORTIFICATION! Really, you are kidding me right? And then we get home with milk shakes from the Steak & Shake to celebrate the end of state testing and Dane has to go potty. Well, after completely disrobing - can't potty with our shirt on you know -Dane proceeds back to the table NAKED. I skid across the kitchen floor to at least put on his undies and what does he proceed to do? Pull out the front of his undies and dump banana milk shake down. So proud. No, there are no pictures of this.

Can you see our future? Reagan an all-american volleyball player for USC, Kale a dancer at the Polynesian Culture Center among his fellow white Samoans and Dane the future Red Neck Comedian. Think Larry The Cable Guy. Hunting squirrels with rifles that could kill an elephant and then pouring stuff down his pants. I went through labor with an epidural that didn't work to deliver a 10' 4" baby naturally for him to do that? Oh, I don't think so.

On an even funner thought. I haven't seen my lil sis for about three years. She lives in Houston and this plan began to formulate in my mind. Road trip - Knoxville to Houston with a little side through my old mission haunts and to see a friend in Dallas. Knoxville, Memphis, Dallas and then Houston. My first concern was whether the kids would mutiny if I mentioned another road trip. "Reagan and Kale how do you feel about going to see aunt Wendy in Houston after school gets out." I sweeten the deal with the fact that she has a pool. They want to know how many days driving and the hours and all that fun stuff so I tell then we would spend the the first night in Memphis and then on to Dallas blah blah blah. Immediately Reagan perks up. "Memphis?" "Isn't that where Graceland is? Can we please go see Elvis's house please, please?" Really, I was impressed that she knew that Graceland was in Memphis so I asked her how she knew that. "Well, there was this Full House were Joey want to go to Graceland for Christmas and Becky wants to go to Nebraska and they decide to go to Nebraska for Thanksgiving and Graceland for Christmas and they get stuck in an airport. Joey loves Elvis and always sings his songs and has his hair cut and it is so cool." That was a one breath answer. A television show from 20 years ago is running my life. John Stamos is still cool and Elvis lives. The kids are so excited. Kale is practicing the Elvis lip thing and Reagan has already emailed her friends.

I may be committed now. If I am not will somebody please commit me.

A little side note. My GPS birthday present came this week and it has all these nifty features like voice and you can download books and music onto it too. Erron was setting it all up for me and he asked, "Do you want it to give you directions in a mans' voice or a womans'?" Is it hard to figure out my answer?

Pictures Of Our Temporary Home

Okay. The long awaited pic's of the inside of our house are here. Some of my favorites are Mr. Minky on the phone in the master bath and Dane sitting on what we lovingly refer to as the 'stupid stove'. Dane's dump truck made it into a few just for fun. The small bathroom that you see with the rust/gold/green walls and matching skirt it really hard to give good detail on. The walls are quilted. All of them have a layer of batting and then the fabric. And 'Martha' even went to the trouble of finishing every edge with matching piping. Heather will appreciate that even a small bathroom must have taken forever. Tha matching skirt under the counter has come down more than a couple of times during a Reagan and KI skirmish. The counter top is paitned to look like tile. This is Reagan's bathroom and she thinks it is just great to have a place to herself. She has her own matching soap and room spray and her hair clips, curlers, ear rings, nail polish and lip glosses are all spread out like she is 17 or something. And how can I forget our new pet? This little dog is painted on the wall on the way up the back stairs. Pretty low maintenance.

Devil Dane or Sweet Daney?

Isn't he sweet? I was out taking pictures in the backyard when Dane walked up to me and said, "Here mommy, this one is for you." It made me feel a little guilty for calling him Devil Dane earlier today. Seriously. He has just been close to impossible the last few days. Yesterday, he and I had a battle for almost an hour. He was telling everyone to shut up and smacking people so I put him in his room. He kicked. He screamed. He slammed the door. He wanted to go back downstairs and I told him that he could either scream in his room or come and sit with me in my room and watch conference. Those were his two choices and he didn't like it one bit. After an hour of him running out and me putting him back in his room he finally quieted down and wanted to come to my room. Of course conference had just ended so I missed it but we did have a good talk about some of his favorite things. Mickey Mouse, Stratton, gum and pizza.

I am dragging Erron out with me this Saturday to a concert. Sugarland and Little Big Town will be here in Knoxville. He is thrilled. I just keep reminding him of how many concerts I went to with him when he worked for Doc Marten. Some great like Foo Fighters, Green Day, Smashing Pumpkins (accidentally got high at that one), Tonic and Everclear and some plain awful like Woo Tan Clan. Whatever. I also like to remind him of our honeymoon in Hawaii. He just had to see this movie Celtic Pride. It was the absolute worst movie ever. On our honeymoon. Our car got locked in the parking garage. On our honeymoon. Then I like to remind him of our last anniversary. I set-up this nice overnight stay at the Columbia River Inn. Beautiful, historic, and Madison to babysit overnight. It was a beautiful spring Friday afternoon and I was chatting with a neighbor as the kids walked home from the bus stop. A big old Hummer slowly rolled by (notice the tank alliteration) and I mock the pompous driver. The pompous driver rolls down his window and it's Erron. He rented it 'for me' for our anniversary. Behind our house is a big hill made even more attractive by the heaps of red dirt cleared to build another million homes on. This is an open invitation for a man to go 4-wheeling. So the Sorensen clan rolls up the hill and Erron decides to off-road it. The bigger the hill of dirt the better. Well, thank goodness mommy learned to drive in Idaho. I got us unstuck and Erron lost a boot trying to push us out. So, Erron will be coming with me to a concert this weekend:)

Starting over from scratch means just that when you move. Portland is big enough that if you don't like a couple of the grocery stores you have plenty to choose from. Here you get Super Target (no variety), Ingles (yek), Food King (Double yek), Kroger (good) and Super Walmart (so much crammed into one aisle that you get dizzy and can't find anything). So Kroger it is. Kroger owns Fred Meyer by the way. Erron has found his favorite Diet Coke distributor. It is a delicate balance of carbonation, syrup ratio and snack variety. You think I'm kidding don't you? Weigles (convenience store) stock just went up because Erron chose them as his DC fill-up point of choice.

In the past our schools have been so aware of economic issues that they apologized profusely for having to ask for $3 to take the kids to the symphony. The kids brown bagged their own lunch and there was not a stop for anything extra. Reagan has a field trip coming up that costs $7.75 for the event and then they need an extra $10 for lunch because they are stopping at the mall and will be eating at the food court. Kale has a field trip to the zoo. 9.75 + lunch money and I have to have his permission slip NOTARIZED!

Erron has determined that our kitchen tile is really outdoor tile. I even bought a special heavy duty scrub brush to use and that stuff just looks dirty. You can see pictures in this next post of our house extraordinaire. We are still looking for one to buy. Just can't find the perfect one.